all or nothing. i can't share my love. i can't share the body that makes love to me. i get crazy and possessive about the body that i love. that's why i don't love, that's why i don't get into love making. that's why i just get close to a certain limit, where bodies are just the means for physical pleasure and satisfaction. i don't get closer not to get possessive. i don't get closer because i know you can't own someone else's body and sooner or later each body will be touched by another body not yours. you can't get away with the biological determinism, so if you are the possessive type who can't share your love you just should avoid love. i didn't avoid it, and the body that made love to me naturally made love to another woman, and i never got over it, and i don't think i ever will. the thought of it still haunts me. thinking that those hands are touching another body with the same emotions and excitement just makes me mad. i can't tolerate the thought of. it hurts, it burns. i just cry and scream within my chest. i try to distract myself from thinking about similarities. i try to distract myself to avoid imagining the images but at the end of the day all those images haunt me.
all or nothing. i can't share the body i have made love to. i just can't...
Salam,
پاسخحذفAs far as I know from your previous posts, you do not believe in monogamy, at least not for yourself, So the question is that why you want it for your partner?
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jaayi digar:
i have written about this paradox/dilemma before, that this is how i am and i know it's not fair or acceptable so i don't put the blame on anyone and instead try to avoid love because i just suffer for the way i am. i have also come to the realization that i actually don't believe in polygamy. i only can tolerate my partner having multiple sex partners but not multiple love relationships. i myself can't handle more than one relationship at a time either. so let's say i'm polygamous in sex but not in relationships (if we can have such a thing.)
I hope you have already seen the internal inconsistency in your argument. For instance, how do you evaluate your act of sex as (love or sex). more importantly how do you evaluate your partners acts? What i mean is that there is no clear boundary in this regard. In other words you are trying to fit a black/white appraisal tool to a greyscale system and that would not work definitly.
پاسخحذفInsisting on doing like this makes you more irrational over time. I liked your arguments more 5-6 years ago.
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Jaayi: I am NOT making any arguments. That's the whole point! I am not setting any boundaries or any black or whites. I am talking about how I feel. I am not happy about the way I feel. I am trapped in this emotional paradox. I see the paradox myself. I just can't change or better say control the way I feel, so I am trying to analyze it and find out what it is all about. I am suffering big time. I think you didn't read what I'm writing carefully cause this is not an argument and is not proving any points. It's just a description of the fucked-up emotional paradox I am trapped in!